darkness can't touch our lives
by libraryghosts
Summary: She doesn't do this. Not usually. Sure, maybe sometimes work bleeds a little too much into her personal life. Sometimes she identifies with the victims families a little too much. Sometimes she crosses lines. But this is different. TW: MENTIONS OF RAPE. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

She doesn't do this. Not usually. Sure, maybe sometimes work bleeds a little too much into her personal life. Sometimes she identifies with the victims families a little too much. Sometimes she crosses lines. But this is different.

Rebecca. 19-year-old NYU student. Raped and smothered to death with a pillow in her dorm room.

It's not like she hasn't dealt with cases of rape before. She has. But the details of this one are so startlingly familiar that she can't stop the feelings bubbling. And she's never been one to talk about these things all that openly, even with Castle, the one person she trusts implicitly.

It doesn't help that he catches on to her discomfort moments after he arrives at the crime scene. He's giving her that look that says _Kate, are you okay?_ and all she wants to do is slap him. She knows he means well and usually she loves that he pays such close attention to her every detail but sometimes she just wishes he weren't so goddamn intuitive.

He asks again in the car _(Kate, what's wrong?) _and she deflects, talks about the case. They build theory for a while and she thinks she's got him distracted enough that he won't ask her anymore difficult questions.

In the afternoon, he asks if he can have a minute with her in the break room. She tells him she's busy but Ryan and Esposito are out following a lead and they really don't have anything else and she can't think of any other excuse so she agrees.

He closes the door behind her.

"Are you okay?" He's got her elbow cupped lightly in his palm and he's being nothing but sweet and gentle but she can't help her annoyance.

"Castle, I'm fine. I don't know why you keep asking."

"You seem a little off. I wanted to check in."

"I said I'm fine." She lowers her gaze but she can feel his eyes on her, unconvinced.

"Kate—"

"You know, you can probably just head home for the day. I've got some paperwork I need to do anyway and Ryan and Espo won't be back for at least an hour."

"Are you sure?" He looks surprised and she hates herself for just a minute. She just wishes he wasn't so _nice_.

"Yeah, it's probably better that way."

"Are you upset with me?"

"No, Castle. Just—nothing exciting is going to happen today and you might as well go home and get some writing done."

"Can I come over later?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure. Pick up some Chinese?"

"You got it."

He kisses her forehead and she manages to smile, relieved to have some time alone for a few hours.

She makes herself some coffee and dives into paperwork.

She gets his text as soon as she gets home.

_Is Hon Wong okay?_

She considers telling him she's too tired, she has a headache, she has to stay late at work. But she knows how much he needs their alone time, how much he looks forward to quiet dinners at her place. She usually looks forward to them too but she feels all wrong tonight. She doesn't know if she can open up to him about this.

Well, realistically, she knows she can open up to him about _anything_ but she doesn't want him to make this into a big deal. She's been through the healing process. It's been over a decade. She really doesn't know why this case is making her feel so fragile.

_Yes :)_

He lets himself in carrying two bags, smiling tentatively.

"Hey."

She's on the couch, pretending to read. "Hey, Castle."

"Hungry?"

"Mmhmm."

He brings her a plate and then goes back and dishes some food up for himself before sitting at her feet and moving them into his lap. She's avoiding his gaze and she knows he can probably tell but she doesn't care.

"Beckett—"

"Food's great, Castle. Thanks for picking it up."

"Kate, look at me."

She does, reluctantly, her face schooled with a perfect expression of obliviousness.

"What's up?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"You've been acting strange all day. Kate, you know that you can tell me if something's going on, right?"

"Castle, nothing's going on."

He sighs and leans back into the couch. She knows he's onto her. She can practically see the gears turning in his head, knows he's getting closer and closer to the truth.

"I'm worried about you, Beckett."

He won't drop it. He just doesn't know when to shut up.

"Rick, I'm fine. Relax." She's been more harsh than she needs to be but, goddamn it, why can't he just leave it alone?

"You're not—"

"Castle! I said drop it! Can you please just shut the fuck up for five seconds?"

He looks shocked, his jaw dropping slightly at her outburst. She hadn't meant to yell at him. God, she knows he doesn't deserve it. Hell, she's never treated him the way he's deserved.

"Do you want me to go?" he murmurs, defeated.

"That would probably be best."

"Okay."

He gets up, taking his plate with him to the kitchen. He scrapes the remaining chicken and broccoli into the takeout container and places it in the fridge. He washes his plate and leaves it to dry in her dish drainer.

She can feel tears welling up behind her eyes, her whole body screaming at her to stop him.

He grabs his coat off the arm of her couch and slips his shoes back on before turning around and heading for the door. He's a foot away from the doorknob when she speaks.

"Castle." It's quiet and unsure, nothing like her.

He doesn't even turn around.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Kate."

She gets up, suddenly feeling like she might_ die _if he leaves her here alone with her thoughts.

"Castle, don't go." She's kissing him, wrapping her arms around his broad chest but she feels nothing but resistance.

"Castle, please." She doesn't care how pathetic she sounds, she _needs_ him. And then she's shoving him into her door, running her hands through his hair, down over his chest and she finally, _finally _feels him respond, his big hands circling her waist and his tongue in her mouth.

Then he's spinning her so it's her back against the door, his kisses becoming more forceful. He's grinding his pelvis into hers and she can feel his erection but she's not sure about this, if she can handle having sex right now. And then he circles a wrist with each of his hands, pinning them on either side of her head. Usually, she loves when he does this, makes her feel out of control, but tonight is different. All of a sudden she's tearing her mouth away from his and panting _Castle, no, stop, get off me._

He releases her wrists and steps back, panting. He looks confused, horrified even.

"Kate—"

And she can't hold the tears back anymore; they're gushing from behind her eyes before she even has the chance to process all of it.

He immediately takes her into his arms and she grabs at his shirt, lets it muffle her sobs.

"Cas—I—"

"Shhh. It's okay."

He wraps his arms tighter around her torso, lifting her up, and she wraps her legs around his hips. He carries her toward her bedroom, whispering words of comfort and affection into her ear while she continues to sob quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

Finally, part 2! Sorry this took me so long. This story is complete now. :)

* * *

He carries her across her living room, through the doorway to her bedroom, and gently lowers her to the bed. She almost immediately turns her face away from him and curls her knees into her chest, trying to calm her shaking body.

He takes his shoes back off and lays his jacket across the arm of the chair in the corner of the room. His belt comes off too, and his button down, leaving him standing in his jeans and undershirt.

He seems unsure of what to do next, and she doesn't want to make him feel any worse about the day's events, so she turns and tries to taper her sobs before she finally speaks.

"Castle."

"Yeah?" It's quiet, completely lacking his usual confidence.

"Come get in bed."

He nods and undoes his button and zipper before quickly pulling his jeans over his legs. He walks timidly to the other side of the bed—the one that has distinctly become _his side—_and climbs under the covers. She reaches back to him without looking, tugging on his bicep in a silent invitation for him to spoon her. He moves willingly, bringing one hand up to move her hair out of her face before pressing a light, unassuming kiss to her cheek.

"I'm sorry I shut you out."

"Kate, you don't have to—"

"No, Castle. I should have just told you I needed space instead of making you feel like an ass."

He doesn't respond, just silently strokes his fingers through her silky hair, listening to the comforting sound of her even breathing.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He sounds so apprehensive that her heart almost shatters at the sound.

She remains silent for a few moments while she contemplates.

"It was in college, just a few months after my mom died. I had just transferred to NYU a few weeks before and… there was this guy who I was sort of friends with and we were drinking. He'd only had a couple of beers but I was pretty wasted."

She pauses to take a few deep breaths. She knows she needs to be careful with her wording if she doesn't want Castle to make this into a bigger deal than it is. She dealt with this over a decade ago and most of the time she doesn't even think of it as something that had a profound effect on her life. And she really doesn't need him ripping open any more old wounds.

"He offered to walk me to my dorm room. I thought he was being nice… but when we got there he started kissing me and so I told him I just wanted to go to bed. But… he was being really rough and holding my wrists down and then he just…it just happened."

"Oh god, Kate, I'm so sorry—"

The pity in his voice almost makes her angry all over again.

"Castle, please don't go there. This happened a long time ago. I've already healed."

"Did you ever report him?"

She should have anticipated the question but for some reason, it hadn't crossed her mind. She'd decided she wasn't going lie to him but she knows he isn't going to like the answer to this one.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I guess I thought that it was kind of my own fault. I was drunk and I had been pretty reckless since my mom died. I was having a lot of risky sex and…I don't know. I guess I just felt like I deserved it."

She regrets saying it the minute it leaves her mouth. Castle doesn't need to hear that, doesn't need to be privy to the state of mind she used to harbor. This is why she doesn't talk about her younger days very often.

"Beckett, that's not—"

"I know that now. It took a lot of therapy but I get it now."

Castle sighs heavily, his grip on her bicep tightening.

"So today… it being at NYU and stuff… it reminded you."

"Yeah. It was weird because I hadn't even thought about it in months but… I guess it just made me think about how wrong people's ideas about rape are. People think that rapists are monsters—"

"Rapists _are_ monsters, Kate."

"But rape isn't rare, Castle. Rapists aren't rare. What happened to me and what happened to our victim happens every day and the guys who do it don't even realize that it's rape half the time."

He's silent then as the tension in the room begins to dissipate. He takes a deep breathe before he speaks again.

"He had to have realized it. You told him to stop, he held you down. There's no way he didn't realize he was doing something wrong."

"Maybe. But I really don't know. Some people think that if you're not screaming and crying that you're not really saying no."

"Well, that's bullshit."

She turns around in his arms and cups his cheek in her hand. She can tell this is getting to him and she doesn't want to make it any more difficult for either of them.

"Castle, I'm okay. I'm not broken. I just had a rough day."

"It's just…if it affected you that much today then maybe you should take some time off, sit this one out."

"I'm alright. It's actually been really nice to be able to talk to you about it. I was worried you would overreact but you've been pretty calm. I really appreciate that, Castle."

He smiles and gives her a quick kiss on the crown of her head.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah. I think it'll make me feel better to catch the guy. I mean…I know it's only one but…symbolically, I guess, it feels important."

"Okay. I understand." He kisses her head again and then presses his forehead gently into hers. "All I ask is that you talk to me if you start feeling bad again, okay?"

"Promise."

She lets her eyes slip closed then, just enjoying the presence of his body next to hers. They spend a few moments in silence, both relieved to finally have this out in the open.

"Do you need anything?" He's whispering, probably unsure if she's even still awake.

"Yeah, could you just get me a glass of water?"

"Of course."

He starts to get up, to delicately disentangle his body from hers before dropping a kiss on her shoulder.

"Beckett?"

"Yeah?"

She can't quite handle having eye contact with him right now so she doesn't turn around.

"Nothing you tell me could ever change the way I see you. You will always been strong and brave and extraordinary in my eyes, okay? I want you to know that."

She can feel the tears welling up again but she doesn't care. She turns to face him, smiling.

"Thank you, Castle."

He smiles back and starts to walk out of the room.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"I mean that. For everything. I need you to know that."

He nods, smiles softly and turns back around to walk toward the kitchen.

She hasn't said it yet, hasn't told him how much he _really _means to her, but sometimes the words ring through her head at high speed, begging to be let out.

_I love you, Castle._

Soon, she tells herself.

Soon.


End file.
